Monday, December 1, 2025

It's been a while since I've written on my blog. For some reason the previous format (blog site) is not working so while I look into it, I'm just going to type in this format. I'll see how I feel when I'm writing. The blog might be a weekly thing or biweekly thing. 

Ok ao Life Update:

I'm going on 4 months since I had to quit my last job. (I might get into that later). Things are hard. My Meds keep changing. Life is complicated. Family is complicated. I'm currently updating this website and starting up the blog again because I can't sleep. Its currently 1:30 AM. Is this the start of a manic episode? Not sure yet. I've had other symptoms I've noticed lately but nothing too bad. With the medications I'm on it's hard to tell sometimes. Until I know more I won't jump to conclusions. I'm hoping this is a one time thing. My mind is racing and I just felt like writing. I haven't had any major episodes but I guess I've had mini ones. I struggle to be productive 

I haven't been looking for work for a while. I mean I'll open up Indeed and scroll through job postings here and there but there's no sense of urgency. There should be but honestly there isn't. I want to work don't get me wrong. I'm running out of things to do ever since I quit. I feel like I need to be doing something. I've just been doom scrolling on my phone (mostly Youtube and Instagram). Listening to music helps but I just feel lost sometimes.

I haven't really decided how open I want to be during these blog posts. There are some things I want to keep private. (Not like anyone reads these but who knows). I don't like the thought of airing dirty laundry out for everyone to see since this website/blog is public. So I'm going to be vague sometimes. (This might change later but we'll see)

Family has been tough lately. Not everyone is getting along (which might be an oversimplification). I know not every family is perfect. I try to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed all the time but some days are harder than others. I try to be a good daughter and sister. I hope my family thinks of me positively. Especially because I'm not sure exactly what I have to offer since I'm not working. I know worth is not 100% determined by how much you can give. But it's hard sometimes because I want to contribute. I'm sure there are other ways I can do that right now but recently I've just not been feeling myself. With everything going on it feels like I'm stuck. There's no place to go. I'm not financially stable and I don't drive or have a car so it's not like I can go out whenever I want. I'm reliant on my parents and my brother to go places. They do the best they can but I know when I learn to drive it will be better for me in the long run. 

Right now I split my time between being alone, spending time with my brother and my sister-in-law, and occasionally with my parents. I wish we could spent more time altogether but because of recent events (last few months) that just doesn’t seem likely. I feel torn a little. I feel like I'm the middle person as a relay messages between my family. And then there's this little thing that I can't help but feel like a burden sometimes. Like there'a this voice telling me that they don't want to spend time with me really and that they'd rather be left alone. That voice isn't there all the time but it sure likes to make itself known when I'm by myself. It's something I'm working on especially during therapy. 

Well I think that's it for now. I'm going to try and fall asleep. If I can't within an hour I might hop back on this blog but let's hope I fall fast asleep.